The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
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6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!