ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
You Might Also Like
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”