i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
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it must be school picture day
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too