The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
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Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories