It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
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Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.