This is why I don’t delete Facebook
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Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
#Caturday
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Is this you?
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.