I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
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Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Only Americans understand
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication