Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
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me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Lube but for my dry humor.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide