When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
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doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.