Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
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Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}