Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
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I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
My favorite female superhero
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
constantly working on myself.