In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
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Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?