There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
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There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Did my cat write this
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
eggs benadryl
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together