“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
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INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday