“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
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Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
I bet
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.