The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
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it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok