Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
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I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
found my next D&D character name
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit