First rule of flight club…no penguins.
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dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.