Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
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Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
oh you wanna fight?!
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain