Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
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Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.