Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
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You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Selfie
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .