Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
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Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
that’s really how it is
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
When you’ve simply given up.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears