So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
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Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.