I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
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Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some