Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
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I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”