Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
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My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??