I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
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cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.