My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
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My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor