deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
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the #horror is real!
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone