Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
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difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos