“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
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(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose