[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
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I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
#Caturday
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Found my door mat
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.