Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?