ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
You Might Also Like
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Very good! 👍😂
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Is your wife single?
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
peak technology
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Bike for sale
#parenting
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there