opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
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I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.