[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
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*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”