Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
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*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
I feel attacked.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
an airline just for babies.