Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
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think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.