Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
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Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!