[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
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stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?