My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
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[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Well, that should do it
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.