My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
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If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
I think they could have phrased this better
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.