me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
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ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.