*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
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Nice try, poison.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
sleeping beauty
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
twitter is a journey
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Love thy neighbor’s dog