I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
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My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
My diet starts in January
of 2027
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.