Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
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Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.