I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
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[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
peeping toms
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.