me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
You Might Also Like
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
hey, alexa
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
He wanted to make sure😂
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.