EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
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Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.