Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
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Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
I’m having an out of money experience.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles